ARTICLES

Pronouns are one of the tools that we can use to communicate something about identity.

They can be one way to help express how we see and feel about ourselves, and how we want for others to see us and to know us.

Using the pronouns that a family member, friend, co-worker, colleague, or teammate shares is a way to respect their humanity, agency, and self-expression. It is one small, but significant, step to creating safety, connection, inclusion, and community. [read article]

When working with couples and partners, whether the presenting issues have to do with sex and desire or with conflict and repair, the most commonly stated goals are often improved communication and intimacy. 

The same holds true when working with individuals. 

Whether setting boundaries, exploring one's sense of self, or addressing old wounds; at some point, clients often want to improve communication, connection, and closeness with the most important people in their lives. [read article]

This technique can help people to generate connection, deepen intimacy, and repair wounds.

When one can pause long enough to take a breath and ask oneself, “what is the relational move here?”, the first and best answer will often be this technique, these four words.

The four simple words are: “I hear you saying.” [read article]

"I hear you saying" does a lot of work on its own, however there is a follow-up question that can be quite helpful in advancing the conversation.

After "I hear you saying", the questions "what do you need" or "what can I do" can continue to demonstrate a posture of listening and support. [read article]

This technique is about expressing feelings and needs. It’s a way of sharing one’s experience and following that with a request. Feel/need is a technique has the potential to help people to connect with deeper vulnerability, intimacy, and empathy. [read article]

Requests provide opportunities for the sharing of feelings and needs, and for communication, collaboration, and connection. It is important to understand that requests are not demands and that they can also create openings for deeper communication, vulnerability, and connection. [read article]

This technique is called Vent, Advice, Support. It helps to clarify what type of listening and engagement that a person who's sharing wants to receive. Vent is more of an emotionally-focused exchange, advice is more of a solutions-focused interaction, and support can be either. [read article]

In addition to the vent, advice, support technique outlined in the previous article, there is another principle that can help to promote success in communication. I call this principle inclusive versus intrusive communication.

Inclusive conversations are opt-in exchanges. They allow for all participants to establish agreement regarding the details of when, how long, and under what circumstances the conversation can happen. By contrast, intrusive conversations do not give others the opportunity to opt-in or consent to an interaction.  [read article]

There is a principle at the heart of the work that I do with clients on communication. It identifies three traits of effective and intimacy generating communication. The abbreviation that I give this principle is HSR. This stands for communication that is honest, sensitive, and responsible. Communication that hits those marks can help to transform interactions and relationships. [read article]

A good and robust apology can be instrumental in facilitating prompt and high-quality repair. To do so, it is often helpful to hit three marks.

A high-quality apology is much more than the words “I’m sorry”. It is a deeply relational move that can help people to access vulnerability, empathy, and shared possibility.

In this model, the apology contains three key parts. As such, I call it the Three-Part Apology. [read article]

During a conflict or misunderstanding, one or more people can feel compelled to provide explanations. In my work with individuals and partners I often tell them an unfortunate fact about explanations. I lean in, lower my voice, cup my hands around my mouth as if I’m about to share a secret, and then I say, “explanations are bullshit.” [read article]