Pronouns: mine and more

**This is a longer piece, but hopefully one that rewards reading to the end.

Pronouns convey information. They communicate something about identity; something about the way that we see ourselves.

Personal pronouns are gendered. For some, the standard options are not a good fit. Those standard options may not reflect how one sees oneself or how one feels on the inside.

The pronouns he and she reflect a gender binary; masculine or feminine, one or the other. 

In the popular imagination sex and gender are linked. One is either male or female. This is determined by genital presentation at birth and sometimes in utero. The idea of sex is also often linked to chromosomes, endocrinology, or the type of reproductive cells that one produces. Each of these metrics; genitals, chromosomes, hormones, reproductive capacity, have their limitations. Sex and gender get conflated. They also often fail to express what one knows of oneself.

Bear in mind that sex and gender are constructs. They exist and function in a particular social, cultural, and political context. Sex and gender reinforce power for some and restrict it for others. As real and tangible as they may seem, as important to one’s sense of self as they can be, and as consequential to one’s rights, and safety, and existence as they are, they also represent a collective fantasy. The impact of this collective fantasy, however, couldn’t be more significant. For some it is life and death.

The dominant cultural assumption is that sex and gender should be congruent. That the sex male should express gender in the masculine and that the sex female should express gender in the feminine. Feminine men and masculine women are often punished. People who don’t clearly and legibly fit the sex/gender binary often face pressures to conform. All too often they/we are repudiated, vilified, and harmed for their/our existence outside the lines.

Pronouns are a way of expressing one’s sense of self. Pronouns, even nonbinary pronouns, force gender upon us. Pronouns can affirm or assail of one’s sense of self.

For me, it has taken considerable time, thought, and personal reflection to arrive at a pronoun that feels like a good fit. The pronoun that I use is he+. What that means is that I identify with a range of gendered expressions. He+ leads with the masculine, yet it leaves room for a fuller spectrum expression, creativity, and identity. People may therefore use he/him, she/her, or they/them when referring to me.

He+ is inclusive and expansive. It invites a question. It pushes against the ever-present conventions of gender. He+ departs from the standard use of language while continuing to use common terms. It is familiar enough to be understood, yet sufficiently novel to challenge assumptions about gender and identity.

He+ also points to the plus in LGBTQ+ and bi+. It bends the rules of nomenclature and demonstrates our capacity to create, deconstruct, and reconfigure.

Gender is both a personal and a social experience. I am comfortable with a self-presentation, and with being read by others, as cis, male, and often masculine. 

Cis and trans are Latin for on this side of or to the other side of, respectively. They refer to how one’s gender identity and expression correlates with one’s sex assigned at birth. It is important to note that a person can identify as cis or trans regardless of whether that person undergoes gender related surgical or hormonal care. It is also important to note that many cis identified people also undergo a wide range of gender affirming and gender related surgical and hormonal care.

Although I am comfortable in the masculine, it is also affirming when people in my close circle address me in the feminine, à la “get it girl” and “yasss queen”. This can be true when lifting weights, sharing a thought, or being playful and sweet. Additionally, “girl” and “queen” are often queer coded, reflecting a sense of community, connection, solidarity, and kinship within certain relationships.

He+ is a term that I made up. I considered a range of options including the more standard he/him, he/they, he/they/she. 

I have family and friends who feel aligned, congruent, and affirmed when using they/them, they/he, they/she, they/all, or any/all. For me though, none of these felt like the right fit. Using gender-neutral and nonbinary pronouns did not feel like an accurate way to represent my experience.  More importantly, it felt like using those terms could risk misappropriating or diluting language that for some can be indispensable and life-saving.

Well-meaning folks may at times use they/them or any/all pronouns in an effort to signal their support for queer and gender-expansive people. They may use or mix gender-neutral pronouns to indicate comfort with a range of identities. Some may use those pronouns to challenge or undermine the gender binary and other assumptions. Each of these rationales and strategies has merit.

I want to be very careful here about policing pronoun use. Introspection, creativity, and choice are often paramount when it comes to self-expression.

Regarding pronouns, it seems that simply being comfortable with a range of pronouns may be quite different from actually identifying with a particular gender or self-expression. At times, the use of pronouns such as they, any, or all by some, may risk diluting the salience of the terms that for others can be deeply affirming, indispensable, and life-saving.

In recent years there has been considerable attention, and all-to-often, pushback given to gender expression and pronouns. Although familiarity is growing within the broader culture; discussions around gender and pronouns are regularly characterized by a lack of information. In addition to lacking information, most people engage in these discussions and debates despite having little to no meaningful relationship or acquaintance with gender-expansive, nonbinary, or trans people. 

This makes sense. LGBTQ+ people make up a relatively small percentage of the overall population. We all grow up in a dominant culture that normalizes and elevates heterosexual and cisgender experience. Most, but certainly not all, people are raised by a heterosexual parent or parents. LGBTQ+ media representations have been historically limited and negative. As a result of these powerful cultural messages and conditions, many LGBTQ+ folks grow up in profound isolation that is compounded by a looming threat of discrimination and violence.

We can all take steps to make our families and communities more expansive and supportive. With respect to gender and pronouns, a few simple actions can have a significant effect. These measures can help to reduce all of our isolation, provide LGBTQ+ people with a greater sense of safety, and increase connection, communication, and trust.

One simple strategy is to speak in language that is more gender neutral. We can lean away from addressing groups in gendered terms such as boys, girls, ladies, gentlemen and instead use terms such as everyone, team, colleagues, clients, patrons, students, athletes, y’all, gang, crew, class. This approach shifts away from gender specific language while addressing people in terms that are inclusive, expansive, and fun.

Depending on the context, sharing one’s pronouns can help to foster a climate that invites others to share, and also normalizes the sharing of, their pronouns. This can be done in one’s email signature, on one’s teleconferencing name, and in one’s social media. When more people do this, it becomes a more normalized and universal practice rather than something that only trans, nonbinary, or gender-expansive folks do.

When a person’s gender identity, experience, or pronouns are still unknown it is acceptable to refer to that person with they/them. Using they/them for a person whose gender identity is still unknown is not categorizing them as non-binary, androgynous, or ambiguous. Rather, it is a way to respect and acknowledge that we don’t yet know how they identify and that we shouldn’t make assumptions based on perceptions. Pronouns also often become evident through casual conversation or through the process of getting to know someone.

Sharing one’s pronouns challenges implicit assumptions about gender and identity. It helps to create openings for others to share about their identity, particularly if their gender is not easily read, or does not align with the sex that they were assigned at birth. For many trans, nonbinary, and gender-expansive people, being misgendered can be a chronic source of pain, frustration, and exclusion. Similarly, for cis people, being misgendered can be jarring, painful, and disorienting. 

Sharing one’s pronouns might not feel important for the cis-identified person. Not thinking about sharing pronouns or being gendered correctly are amongst the benefits and privileges inherent in cis identity and experience. Taking the small but significant action of sharing one’s pronouns can go a long way to increasing the sense of community, well-being, and safety of all people.

Even when a person has the best of intentions, they may accidentally misgender someone. If it’s not done in malice and they’re making a good-faith effort to respect the person’s name, gender, and pronouns, then a simple correction is usually all that is necessary to address and remedy the error. A simple apology might be appropriate. An elaborate and overwrought apology, however, can create a circumstance in which the person who was misgendered ends up tending to the person who made the lapse in the first place.

If you accidentally misgender someone, whether to that person, in that person’s company, or to another person, simply correct yourself and carry on with the conversation. Similarly, if speaking with someone about someone else, and that person misgenders the other person who is not present, simply correct the person you’re in the conversation with and carry on. Of course, it’s entirely up to any person who has been misgendered if they want to correct people or not. Similarly, if you’re with someone who has been misgendered, they may or may not want for you to support them and correct the other person. This may be something to discuss ahead of time.

Pronouns are one of the tools that we can use to communicate something about identity. They can be one way to help express how we see and feel about ourselves, and how we want for others to see us and to know us. Using the pronouns that a family member, friend, co-worker, colleague, or teammate shares is a way to respect their humanity, agency, and self-expression. It is one small, but significant, step to creating safety, connection, inclusion, and community.

Please feel free to contact Mateo with any questions or to schedule an appointment.